This one has been a long time coming. This blog has been torn straight from my heart...straight from my soul. I love to write and I write about semi-personal things.  However, I have had this story on my heart since the day I started this blog. Now, now is the time.

As many of you may know our family has been through some rocky times. When I was in eighth grade my mom started getting sick. She and my dad visited the Mayo Clinic multiple times to figure out what was wrong with no luck. After numerous hospital visits, tests, possible diagnoses, and doctors she was diagnosed with something called NASH (non-alcoholic steato hepatitis). Which basically meant her liver was failing and for no apparent reason. She had none of the characteristics that a person typically diagnosed with this has. She had to stop teaching and was basically confined to our house and bed my whole high school career.

She suffered. We suffered. It was the single hardest thing I have ever faced. There were many times I questioned why my mom? Why us? What did we do? We had always went to church. We had always believed and trusted in God. So...why was this happening? My parents did a pretty good job of keeping my little sister and I sheltered from the worst of it. But sometimes, we peeked through the cracks and we saw the worst.  In those times of weakness, sadness, worry, doubt, and death, HE was there.

He was there every time I saw my dad open his Bible to read. He was there in my Aunt's unwavering faith. He was there when my mom and aunt habitually took the Lord's supper. He was there in the form of a man that would end up being my husband. He was there in my grandmother's prayers and my sisters' tears. He was there in my mom's strength. He was there when bills were paid. He was there in each meal or card we received. I remember finding verses on healing in the Bible and posting them all over our house. On the doors, in my mom's room and her bathroom...everywhere. I would declare and pray the verses aloud every time I saw them. He was very much there.

She spent many many nights in the hospital. She was on a list to receive a transplant. She was called once around Christmas. However, she was too sick to undergo the transplant. We kept praying and believing...even when it looked impossible.
This picture is from Hoop Queen the January before she received her transplant. She had just had a liver biopsy (if I remember correctly) and was sent home with a pain patch. JUST so she could watch my sister and I walk for Hoop Queen. She was in so much pain. She was so strong.
If my mom ever reads this I will be in SO much trouble for sharing this picture. She hates it. So do I. It tears at my heart each time I see it. Our storm...her storm looked impossible that night. I was afraid I was losing my mom and I was afraid I was losing her quickly.

Fast forward to May and we got THE CALL. The one that meant she would be saved. This hell was over. We packed up and left in the middle of the night to drive to St. Louis. I still remember stopping at the gas station with Trey, Shelley, and Ciara. I remember being so excited, nervous, scared, and thankful. I remember the song that played over the speakers outside the gas station "everything is going to be alright...rock a bye". I felt like that was God calming my fears. We all thought it was our happily ever after.

Fast forward a few hours. My mom has been prepped for surgery and is waiting to go in. We get a call. Its a NO GO. The liver from the donor is BAD. I cannot remember a time I have been more angry at God. I was so heartbroken. I remember thinking "really? Is this a joke to you? Do you think this is funny?" So back we went to the "normal" we knew. I remember her...she was so strong. She was so positive and HER faith was astonishing. Mine, mine was diminishing by the second.

Three months later we receive another night (because for some reason these things don't happen during the day). It was my dad's birthday. I called my boyfriend (my hubs now) he was in Detroit interning at General Motors. He told me he would be on the first flight he could catch. I remember walking downstairs cautiously excited. My dad was in the living room getting things organized. I remember asking him "how do you know this is going to work? it will probably be bad again!" His reply, I will remember all my life..."Let's pray". Right there, in the middle of our living room, my little sister and I joined hands with my parents as my dad led us in the most powerful prayer I have ever heard. A few hours later...well a lot of hours later, my mom had a new liver.

The day my mom came home with her new liver. HIS grace is sufficient.
I told you all of that to tell you this. No matter what your storm is, God is BIGGER. I have been struggling with some things. I have been struggling with personal, little, everyday things. I haven't been able to shake them,no matter what I do. Tonight at church we sang Cornerstone. The part that spoke to me is this:

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Savior's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all

And then he spoke to my heart. He asked me why I trusted him with my mom but I couldn't trust him with my own personal struggles. Why do I keep picking up those struggles up seconds after laying them at his feet? Then I thought about the lyrics...

Through the storm HE IS LORD.

He is the God who made the Universe. He is the God who hung the stars. He is the God who knew us before we were born. So, why can't I trust this awesome God with something so small? Because, instead of letting go and letting God, I tried to control the problem. You see, with my mom, I had no control. I HAD to give it to him. With big things in my life I have no control. But with little things I think I have control. In my own arrogance I decide to help God.

God doesn't need our help. Whatever you are going through...know that our God's grace is sufficient. If he can hang stars and form the mountains and heal my mom, he can take care of whatever you are facing. Let go, and Let God.

My sweet Jesus healed my mom. I am SO thankful he did. Because without his perfect blood, I wouldn't have these moments.
    I have came to the very sad conclusion that I am in the middle of a quarter(ish) life crisis. I never really believed in those until, My actual quarter of life was last year, but I guess I am a late bloomer. When I was little, I always heard adults talking about how "time flies". They would make comments about how they couldn't believe how this child or that child had "grown up before their eyes". I would just smile politely all the while thinking "whatever..." Now, I understand. Time flies. In school it was was painfully slow. College was also painfully slow. Then it was like I got put on a fifteen second roller coaster. We wanted to start a family...bam I am pregnant. Then just like that... bam our baby is here. Now, he is almost eight months old. EIGHT MONTHS OLD. Which means that in a few short months he will be one year old. Then, I might as well start packing up his stuff for college. I feel like it was yesterday I found out I was pregnant. But it wasn't was, in fact, 16 months ago. I went to peek in on my little baby tonight, instead I found this not so little baby sleeping in the very top corner of his crib, as if he passed out while trying to escape. I knew he was growing up, but seeing him pulling up on everything today, really pushed me over the edge.
    I also turned twenty-six this year. read that correctly 26. FOUR years away know...don't make me say it. How is that possible? For some strange reason, twenty-five did not bother me. Twenty-six bothers me a lot. So much so, that I gave my father strict instructions that my birthday cake was to say 25, not 26. This past August, we celebrated my grandma's 90th birthday. That brought on a whole new wave of emotions. No, not the "oh, she sure is growing up" emotions like my little man...but the "how many more birthdays will I get to celebrate with her?" emotions. My husband will be 30 in August. For those of you past 30...don't hate on me for this blog. I'm sure you had similar emotions as you were nearing this dreaded age. I just cannot understand how I am this old. I am totally and completely getting old. I am thinking adult thoughts, I am worrying about adult things, I am saying and doing things my mother did/does, I don't even know what is considered "cool" anymore, and after owning an iphone for almost four years I still don't know how to use all of the features, and I have now started to use wrinkle creams. Because...I figure I better get a head start on it now!
    Where does life go? Why did it seem so slow when I was younger? Why am I so nostalgic about everything? I can't walk into my little guy's nursery without flashbacks of us decorating it. I can't drive by the hospital without thinking about the last time we were there. I can't shake the feeling that I need to call my grandma at least once a week because if I don't I might regret it later. I know what you are thinking..."that's life honey...just enjoy each moment." At least, that's what my husband told me as I was sobbing into his chest earlier.  That is hard for me to accept. Because, I am the girl that has always enjoyed every moment. I am the one who saves voice mails, cards, movie ticket stubs, and even boarding passes. I think I have taken a picture of my little man every single day of his life. I savor every second and document every moment. Still, life flies by. Is motherhood just a huge emotional ball of nostalgia and worry? If so, I don't ever remember signing up for that.
    I guess there is nothing I can do to slow it down. I will have to keep savoring and documenting. I will continue to hold on to each moment until my knuckles turn white. I will replay every sweet memory in my head and my dreams until a new one happens. I will continue to wish and pray that time would slow down even just a tiny bit. If that doesn't work, I guess I will have to just thank God that I have a life so blessed that I wish it would slow down.


    I am a wife, a mom, a runner, a girl.. I wanted to start a blog to capture all the beautiful {and not so beautiful} moments in life.


    January 2014
    December 2013

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